You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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