There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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