just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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