And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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