Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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