phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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