reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
