I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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