I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
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