Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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