you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
