did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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