If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
