So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
