My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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