we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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