i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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