new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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