God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
