I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
