I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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