I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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