It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
