Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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