I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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