I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
