Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize