Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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