Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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