So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
