dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
