Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
