She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
