Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
