The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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