I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
