If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize