I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize