Dude my mom stole all your condoms
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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