I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
