We named our party play list daddy issues
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
