so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She announced her abortion via fbk
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
