The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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