It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
