Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
