I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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