i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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