If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
