remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Panties = found
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
