i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
