yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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