There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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