I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
