I swear she didn't look like that last week.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
