Sponge bath it is.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
two words: eviction party
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
