Can i not drive my cunt home
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
