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The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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