hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize