Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
