What a fucking waste of an outfit
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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