Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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