I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize