If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
tell me about the eggs
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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