Kareoke will never be a sober sport
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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