i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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